On the job front, I have been going through a roller coaster ride with the new responsibilities. But at the end of the day, it has always been the kind of work that I have always wanted. The challenge is there. Suddenly, I am not bored at work. Of course, with the new responsibilities, I have been given enough perks that make me feel appreciated. It’s all good, as they say.

On the personal side, things have been quite unusual. Again, being happy doesn’t mean that I don’t have ups and downs. What makes things interesting these days is that I have come to terms with so many issues that have been plaguing me. I guess, this is what they call wisdom. Normally, I would question everything that’s going on in my life. Most of my questions seemed to get me nowhere. But it seems like all of my worries have been lifted. I feel so much better. I don’t know how to describe it. It just feels good.

Recently, I realized that I have broken my cardinal rule: Never make someone a priority while allowing yourself to be treated as an option. Something happened that woke me up. I realized that I have allowed other people to take advantage of me, to the point of being taken for granted. I thought i was being generous. I thought I was being supportive. I thought I was being a friend.

Once again, I almost lost my identity. I have succumbed to the pressure to be accepted, to be needed, to be wanted, to be loved. Despite all that, I realized that no one really cared much about these things. Friends are friends. They either take you or leave you. I am lucky to have found great friends.

Why am I writing about this topic again? Well, last night, I dreamt of Judgment Day. Everyone was called out to be judged.

But unlike your usual view of Judgment Day, it’s really not all that scary. What it looked like was a convention.

Anyway, just like any convention, there were a lot of people, bundled in different groups. I honestly don’t know what those groupings were.

Amidst the confusion, I saw Greg. God asked him, “Who do you really love?”. That was his judgment. And Greg turned to me with that familiar look on his face. He couldn’t answer. Greg smiled at me. I stood there for a while, curious and waiting for his answer. But he was taking his sweet time. He just kept smiling. I smiled back and started to walk away.

In my dreams, I saw Jesus coming down from heaven, in a long white robe. Behind him seem to be a host of angels. I am not sure though. All that’s clear to me is Jesus, right at the center.

What this means, I do not know. Last night, I felt goosebumps all over my body!

I must admit, I am not a very religious person, despite the fact that I was raised Catholic. But last night, after realizing that it was my second dream of the coming of Christ, I prayed and asked for forgiveness for my sins.

For a moment there, I felt like He was talking to me. He wanted me to spread the news that He is coming soon. But I asked, “Why would you want a sinner like me to spread this news?”. The answer I got was, “Because your heart is pure.”. I said, “It can’t be pure. I am only human and I have made so many mistakes in my life.”.

I can’t remember anything afterwards. Everything is a blur.

Christmas is coming and I have not felt the spirit of the season come to me. Amidst all the stress and problems I am going through, I had not allowed myself to sit back and think about this very special season once a year. I have strayed too far and had forgotten the things that matter most. I have been very busy surviving in this so called life.

So, what do these dreams mean? Honestly, I do not know. If this is a vision of the second coming of Christ, then, I guess that’s that. If there is another meaning to it, at the moment, I am clueless. Maybe I will realize it later on.

Peace.

—

I went online and browsed for an interpretation of this dream. One interpretation states,

If you see Jesus coming out of the sky, as in the prophecies of the Rapture, some momentous event is going to make a very major and positive difference in your life.

We’ll see.

Suffice to say, there were so many things that had been revealed to me that opened my eyes and answered some of my questions.

What started out as a difficult and painful Thanksgiving day, ended with nothing else, but a happy note.

I have my friend back!

It’s not that I lost him or pushed him away. I realized that I had pulled myself away and had gotten lost in the process. He has always been there, waiting for me and hoping the best for me.

This Thanksgiving weekend, I found my way back. I am thankful that he has kept his door open and arms reached out.

I almost lost a great friend. Things are still a little awkward. But I’m pretty sure they’ll be back to normal soon. An inner battle to save my own sanity and what have you. It’s all too complicated. I’m sure, if anyone out there knows me, he would understand where I’m coming from. Or if anyone has ever been in a situation as I described on my previous post, then, maybe, he or she will understand. I am set on making things change within me. It’s difficult. It’s nerve-wrecking. But not impossible.

When everything has been said and done, suddenly, there was a void, a vacuum, sucking me in, and I felt like I was going to implode. I craved for my friend. But I couldn’t find him. I pushed him away. I felt empty.

It was a harsh realization. I still feel its sharp teeth gnawing slowly, eating me up, inch by inch. How can I get out of this situation? I wanna know.

Complicated by my stressful new position at work, I find myself in a losing streak. Help?

I have fallen in love with a friend and it was eating me up inside. I concealed it the best way I can. I knew that he didn’t feel the same way for me. I knew that he only saw me as a friend. I didn’t want to let him know in fear that it would affect the friendship. And I let it linger much to my detriment. It consumed me. My other friends noticed the changes in me.

This afternoon, while we were chatting, I felt the urge to tell him. And then, something just snapped.

Me: i need to not see you for a while because i’ve been falling for you
Him: what?
Him: serious?
Me: “falling for you” - serious
Him: oh
Him: as you wish
Him: do you want me to stay off your radar?
Me: that’s what i was talking about last night, about crossing lines.
Me: now that i’ve told you, i feel relieved.
Me: honestly, i don’t know how to deal with it
Him: its a terrible feeling…
Him: you’ll always have a friend in me Don
Me: it’s not a terrible feeling. dealing and coping is
Him: its confusing
Me: not really
Him: Do what you gotta do to sort things out. I’ll always be here
Him: you know whats best for you
Him: G’Night Don.

I don’t know what to make of this. I think I screwed up. I feel empty.

I flew in via JFK. We all know how that’s like. But yeah, JetBlue was on time. *Shock!* I got my luggage and the car rental and headed to Newark, NJ where I booked my hotel.

While driving, a certain feeling came back to me. It seemed like I never left. Everything’s the same as they were. The traffic. The people. The smell. Everything seemed to have come back to me instantly. I started reminiscing…. remembering… even navigating the streets of New York city was so easy. And who can ever get away from the traffic going into the Holland Tunnel? Geesh! I am home!

I was kinda teary-eyed for a moment there after I realized how much I missed this place. But life moves on and so must I.

For the moment, I am letting everything sink in. I am so tired from the trip and the traffic. Not much to do now, but rest and sleep, and prepare for work starting tomorrow.

I bring with me memories. Good ones. Some of them captured in pictures. However, there are more memories that neither film nor digital imaging can capture.

Honestly, I am lost for words. So, I’ll leave it at that.

My heartfelt gratitude goes to Greg and his parents. *Hugs*

We spent the Friday night in Waikiki Beach just like any regular Friday - lots of booze, playing pool, making and meeting new friends, and then, more booze and food. There was the occasional flirting with new people. Unfortunately, I didn’t find someone that I really clicked with. So, yeah, I made sure to be friendly with the locals at the bar and kicked ass on the pool table. But the winning streak had to end somehow. I was almost totally wasted and I was already seeing double. But it was such a great feeling, especially with very nice and friendly folks, loud music and the seemingly endless orders of martinis and cosmos. We hung out at Hula’s until they closed. Greg, I and Rob, a Sacramento guy we met at the bar who was also vacationing, went to Fusion. We didn’t stay long at the bar. We went to Denny’s and had a very early breakfast. We got back to the hotel at past 4 o’clock in the morning. I passed out on the bed then woke up after a while to take care of the excess alcohol, then went back to bed and slept like a baby.

The next morning, we grabbed our breakfast on the beach bags, stuffed them with food, and headed down to the beach. We were joined by four birds, two pigeons and two other smaller birds. They kept us company while we finished breakfast. We headed back to the hotel and slept.

We met one of Greg’s friend, David, who joined us on the bus trip and kept us company from the hotel on the way to the airport.

We left Oahu and flew to Kauai where we would spend the rest of the vacation. We met with Greg’s parents at the Kauai Marriott Hotel.

—

The sun has set. Looking up into the sky, patches of thick clouds made it difficult to see the stars. Nevertheless, my attention was focused on the waves that rush onto the shore and against my feet. I walked further into the water. Suddenly, I was reminded of a state that I have long since forgotten.

It was as if nothing in the world mattered. There were no strong emotions. There were no thoughts. I was blank.

Greg and I walked along the beach. The only sound was that of the rolling waves. It was peaceful. It was as if the water cleansed us of all the burdens of the world.

We headed out for dinner at Bistro Sushi. Greg and I were barely talking. We both kept to ourselves. I don’t know what was going on in his mind. But in mine, there was totally nothing. He said that he felt like being high but with no drugs. I knew what he was talking about. I told him, “Yeah. I’m totally out of it.”. I was disconnected from the world. I was at peace.

Pictures

Every time I thought of the Hawaii trip, I was always reminded of my ex, Zach. He knew how much I wanted to go to Hawaii. At one point during our time together, he promised that he would take me there. That promise never came true. He dumped me and said told me that everything was a lie.

But Greg came through.

On the plane now, less than two hours from touch down, I think about the past. But I also realize that it’s not worth thinking about. I am here, in the now, and I shall enjoy every moment of it.

We watched “Girls Will Be Girls” and the final episode of Star Trek Voyager until our computer batteries died. We both had a couple of cape cods on the plane. Before the alcohol hit, we were taking goofy pictures.

So this is how my first real vacation starts. A couple of movies, a couple of drinks, goofy pictures, and a few more moments before we reach Hawaii. I am not complaining. In fact, I am very happy.

I wrote this entry on a piece of paper. My laptop battery died. So, here in the hotel, I am transcribing everything that I wrote.

Funny, what’s playing on my iPod then was the remixed version of “San Francisco”. Yes, I was a little inebriated. but who the F cares?

Whoa! Turbulence! (Notice: Penmanship is no longer legible.)

Tipsy. Yeah!!!

Greg tosses me a vial of eye drops. Cool! My eyes were drying up and were too tired. BRB. (/me applies eye drops)

Okay, eye drops done. There’s a little left.

Geesh! My penmanship is getting way horrible. What will my mom say? OMG! LOL! I remember how my mom used to force us to write better by making us do the writing exercises more than necessary. Yeah, she’s a nag, pushover and perfectionist. But I’m glad that she is.

Anyhoooooo… My thoughts are all over the place. I’ll write back later.

Ciao!